In my seven and a half months of motherhood, I’ve unfortunately already had many failures other than the ones I’ve already written about. It’s easy to lose patience, get frustrated, get overwhelmed, forget things, miss out on things, care too much about some things, not care enough about other things, and the list goes on. Whenever I fail, I tend to wallow in a puddle of self pity or get depressed that “I never do anything right.” I beat myself up because I want the very best for Kate. I want the best that she deserves. But after one of my most recent feelings of failure The Lord spoke truth into my heart.
The story goes like this…Kate was turning six months old, which was the week of Thanksgiving and the beginning of a very busy holiday season. On that particular Tuesday, I was trying to fit everything I could possibly do into one day to try to get everything done. (This was and is always my first mistake. I’ve now learned to plan fewer events in one day if I want to keep my sanity.) We had pictures that day and we started the day at Wal-Mart picking up last minute props. Then, we went to my parents to help get things ready for Thanksgiving, went to pictures, and because it was the holiday season, we went to a Christmas tree lighting event in Springfield. It seemed Kate could sense that we were off schedule because she chose to not breastfeed, not take naps and not do anything but cry all day long. (I now know, she was cutting her first tooth, so we can add “failure to recognize teething,” to my long list of whoopsies). When we arrived at our destination to take pictures, she was so exhausted she had fallen asleep in the car and was very hard to wake up. On top of that, the pictures were outside and for whatever reason I forgot it was cold. I didn’t bring her any kind of coat or blanket. The poor child was sitting outside with a blank stare on her face from barely waking up and shivering because it was so cold. It gets better. She decided she was going to start being mobile, so she crawls off the blanket and into the mud getting mud all over her white shirt. Yay for me. Thankfully, our photographer still captured a few cute moments but that photo session was definitely the most difficult yet. We left and headed to the tree lighting, meanwhile Kate still would not eat or go back to sleep and was still very fussy.
When we got home, Kate is completely inconsolable, she wouldn’t nurse, she wouldn’t fall asleep. She was probably too hungry to sleep and too tired to eat. I was at my wits end and became very impatient and frustrated. I completely gave up, and I set her in her crib (she was still screaming) and stormed out of the room. I angrily grabbed my pumping bag and grumbled for the next five minutes about how “now I have to pump, because she won’t eat.” After, a few minutes, I was able to calm myself down, recognize that I myself was tired and hungry and that I just needed a minute to collect my composure. I went back in to the nursery, gently picked up my screaming child, held her in my arms and rocked her to sleep. It only took a few minutes and she was out like a light. In that moment, I burst into tears.
I realized that all that my baby needed was to be held, just for a few minutes. Instead, I had an agenda of what I thought she needed to do and I became frustrated when it didn’t work. To me, everything that day had gone wrong and despite my best effort, I still was unable to get her to eat or sleep, I forgot her coat and waited until the last minute to get the props for pictures, I became frustrated, impatient, and exhausted. All the while, my tired baby just wanted to be held.
In that moment, The Lord spoke to me. He said,
“I created you incomplete. I created you to need me. You are not equipped to do this on your own. You need my help.”
I felt like a light bulb came on and I was immediately humbled. Not once that day, did I seek the Lord’s help. Not once that day did I ask for wisdom, grace, or peace. I cannot be a good mother to Kate without God. I cannot protect her, nourish her, love her, grow her, teach her, without Jesus holding my hand and guiding me through it. I’m just not enough on my own.
AND THAT’S OK. THAT'S HOW WE ARE CREATED.
The very purpose of our existence is to know God and have a relationship with Him. I think, when we try to do everything on our own, God let’s us fail a little bit. He wants us to realize that he created us to take part in a dependent relationship with Him. He wants us to ask for guidance, for truth, for goodness. When we forget that, and we don’t ask, we will fail, because we aren’t good enough without him. And as much as we love our children, don’t we want to give them the absolute best that we can? If God can provide the best care through us, isn’t that what we want most for them?
My encouragement and my challenge to you is this: if you are feeling today that you’ve failed at being a mother in one way or another, big or small, ask yourself, “Have I asked God for help lately?” And when you draw near to Him and let Him hold you in His arms, you will be filled with His peace that surpasses all understanding and your failures will be forgotten.
The story goes like this…Kate was turning six months old, which was the week of Thanksgiving and the beginning of a very busy holiday season. On that particular Tuesday, I was trying to fit everything I could possibly do into one day to try to get everything done. (This was and is always my first mistake. I’ve now learned to plan fewer events in one day if I want to keep my sanity.) We had pictures that day and we started the day at Wal-Mart picking up last minute props. Then, we went to my parents to help get things ready for Thanksgiving, went to pictures, and because it was the holiday season, we went to a Christmas tree lighting event in Springfield. It seemed Kate could sense that we were off schedule because she chose to not breastfeed, not take naps and not do anything but cry all day long. (I now know, she was cutting her first tooth, so we can add “failure to recognize teething,” to my long list of whoopsies). When we arrived at our destination to take pictures, she was so exhausted she had fallen asleep in the car and was very hard to wake up. On top of that, the pictures were outside and for whatever reason I forgot it was cold. I didn’t bring her any kind of coat or blanket. The poor child was sitting outside with a blank stare on her face from barely waking up and shivering because it was so cold. It gets better. She decided she was going to start being mobile, so she crawls off the blanket and into the mud getting mud all over her white shirt. Yay for me. Thankfully, our photographer still captured a few cute moments but that photo session was definitely the most difficult yet. We left and headed to the tree lighting, meanwhile Kate still would not eat or go back to sleep and was still very fussy.
When we got home, Kate is completely inconsolable, she wouldn’t nurse, she wouldn’t fall asleep. She was probably too hungry to sleep and too tired to eat. I was at my wits end and became very impatient and frustrated. I completely gave up, and I set her in her crib (she was still screaming) and stormed out of the room. I angrily grabbed my pumping bag and grumbled for the next five minutes about how “now I have to pump, because she won’t eat.” After, a few minutes, I was able to calm myself down, recognize that I myself was tired and hungry and that I just needed a minute to collect my composure. I went back in to the nursery, gently picked up my screaming child, held her in my arms and rocked her to sleep. It only took a few minutes and she was out like a light. In that moment, I burst into tears.
I realized that all that my baby needed was to be held, just for a few minutes. Instead, I had an agenda of what I thought she needed to do and I became frustrated when it didn’t work. To me, everything that day had gone wrong and despite my best effort, I still was unable to get her to eat or sleep, I forgot her coat and waited until the last minute to get the props for pictures, I became frustrated, impatient, and exhausted. All the while, my tired baby just wanted to be held.
In that moment, The Lord spoke to me. He said,
“I created you incomplete. I created you to need me. You are not equipped to do this on your own. You need my help.”
I felt like a light bulb came on and I was immediately humbled. Not once that day, did I seek the Lord’s help. Not once that day did I ask for wisdom, grace, or peace. I cannot be a good mother to Kate without God. I cannot protect her, nourish her, love her, grow her, teach her, without Jesus holding my hand and guiding me through it. I’m just not enough on my own.
AND THAT’S OK. THAT'S HOW WE ARE CREATED.
The very purpose of our existence is to know God and have a relationship with Him. I think, when we try to do everything on our own, God let’s us fail a little bit. He wants us to realize that he created us to take part in a dependent relationship with Him. He wants us to ask for guidance, for truth, for goodness. When we forget that, and we don’t ask, we will fail, because we aren’t good enough without him. And as much as we love our children, don’t we want to give them the absolute best that we can? If God can provide the best care through us, isn’t that what we want most for them?
My encouragement and my challenge to you is this: if you are feeling today that you’ve failed at being a mother in one way or another, big or small, ask yourself, “Have I asked God for help lately?” And when you draw near to Him and let Him hold you in His arms, you will be filled with His peace that surpasses all understanding and your failures will be forgotten.