My baby just turned 10 months old. For whatever reason, reaching the big 10 made me sad. Time flies so fast and 10 months just seems too close to already being a year old. In my motherhood journey thus far, the things I should be grateful for are as follows:
BUT…
My biggest struggle at this point in time is the high expectations I put on myself. I want so badly to be the mom that has it all together and knows all the answers. I want to be the kind of mom that provides whatever education and encouragement Kate needs to constantly be growing toward the next level developmentally, intellectually, and spiritually. Yet, every single day, I’m met with the reality that I have limits, that I’m not that mom I strive to be, that I continually fall short. This is been very hard for me, especially in the last few weeks.
About a month ago, I allowed myself to be depressed and to let that depression rule my life. During that time, I was so overwhelmed with all the things I felt I needed to be doing and the constant disappointment in myself that I wasn’t getting them done. Even household chores fell into that category. My house was in chaos, I wasn’t exercising or eating right, I felt like I wasn’t spending enough quality time with my daughter or planning out her meals very well, and the list went on. I was so overwhelmed with how short I was falling that I literally shut down. I wasn’t communicating well with my husband. I found myself in tears a lot and I gave up even trying to get anything done. My husband told me the real me had disappeared and I was not myself. I had given up. I was so frustrated and disappointed in myself for not being able to do it all; I thought, “What’s the point of trying.” Even with this blog I thought, “millions of other moms are doing the exact same thing and they’re doing it better so why should I try?”
FINALLY, in a conversation with my husband, I broke down in tears and expressed to him all that I was feeling. He prayed for me and we were able to work through ways to ask for help and be ok with knowing that I can’t do it all.
Since that time I’ve done a much better job at staying in communication with God and with my husband to avoid getting that down again. However, I still struggle with that feeling of not meeting all the expectations I have and continually falling short as a mom and as a person.
It’s refreshing to know that God knows the desires of your heart and he really spoke to me this week through a verse in Ephesians.
Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and WITHOUT FAULT in his eyes. Eph 1:4
Wow! Through tears of humility I read that verse over and over again. God reminded me that despite all of my expectations for myself, God chose me to be made whole through Christ. In His eyes I have no faults. God created us unfinished. He left one piece out so that we have to ask him to be that missing piece and make us whole. He doesn’t want me to try to control everything and try to do everything on my own. He wants me to fall short because, me without him is not the whole package. With his grace and his helping hand I can do anything. He’s continually teaching me that in those moments when I know I’m falling short, reach up and grab his hand and he will finish the job through me. But an even better option is to grab His hand first and tackle each task together.
Holy Father, help me to seek you first before I set my sights on each no goal so that we can walk hand and hand and accomplish it together. Help me to be thankful for all that you provide and for making me whole each new day.
Be encouraged my friends. Have joy in knowing you don’t have it all together because God will step in and make your joy complete.
Love you all!
Melissa
- I have a beautiful baby girl who brings me joy moment by moment
- I have managed to keep her alive despite her early ability to get into danger
- I have managed to keep her healthy and well fed
BUT…
My biggest struggle at this point in time is the high expectations I put on myself. I want so badly to be the mom that has it all together and knows all the answers. I want to be the kind of mom that provides whatever education and encouragement Kate needs to constantly be growing toward the next level developmentally, intellectually, and spiritually. Yet, every single day, I’m met with the reality that I have limits, that I’m not that mom I strive to be, that I continually fall short. This is been very hard for me, especially in the last few weeks.
About a month ago, I allowed myself to be depressed and to let that depression rule my life. During that time, I was so overwhelmed with all the things I felt I needed to be doing and the constant disappointment in myself that I wasn’t getting them done. Even household chores fell into that category. My house was in chaos, I wasn’t exercising or eating right, I felt like I wasn’t spending enough quality time with my daughter or planning out her meals very well, and the list went on. I was so overwhelmed with how short I was falling that I literally shut down. I wasn’t communicating well with my husband. I found myself in tears a lot and I gave up even trying to get anything done. My husband told me the real me had disappeared and I was not myself. I had given up. I was so frustrated and disappointed in myself for not being able to do it all; I thought, “What’s the point of trying.” Even with this blog I thought, “millions of other moms are doing the exact same thing and they’re doing it better so why should I try?”
FINALLY, in a conversation with my husband, I broke down in tears and expressed to him all that I was feeling. He prayed for me and we were able to work through ways to ask for help and be ok with knowing that I can’t do it all.
Since that time I’ve done a much better job at staying in communication with God and with my husband to avoid getting that down again. However, I still struggle with that feeling of not meeting all the expectations I have and continually falling short as a mom and as a person.
It’s refreshing to know that God knows the desires of your heart and he really spoke to me this week through a verse in Ephesians.
Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and WITHOUT FAULT in his eyes. Eph 1:4
Wow! Through tears of humility I read that verse over and over again. God reminded me that despite all of my expectations for myself, God chose me to be made whole through Christ. In His eyes I have no faults. God created us unfinished. He left one piece out so that we have to ask him to be that missing piece and make us whole. He doesn’t want me to try to control everything and try to do everything on my own. He wants me to fall short because, me without him is not the whole package. With his grace and his helping hand I can do anything. He’s continually teaching me that in those moments when I know I’m falling short, reach up and grab his hand and he will finish the job through me. But an even better option is to grab His hand first and tackle each task together.
Holy Father, help me to seek you first before I set my sights on each no goal so that we can walk hand and hand and accomplish it together. Help me to be thankful for all that you provide and for making me whole each new day.
Be encouraged my friends. Have joy in knowing you don’t have it all together because God will step in and make your joy complete.
Love you all!
Melissa