I’ve been struggling with something a lot lately. I call it “the battle within,” because there is a constant tug-of-war on my thoughts and heart on how I manage my time. I’m blessed to only have to work four days a week which leaves me with two week days I get to spend at home with Kate by myself. I try my hardest not to plan busy days on the days I’m home so that I can spend the majority of my day with her and enjoy her while she’s still so small. I want to grow her, teach her new things, laugh with her, cry with her, comfort her, cherish her and love her every second of every moment that I get. Although, this picture I’ve painted of a Hallmark movie is truly what my heart desires, the business of this life creeps in and steals away precious moments with my Kate. This is my battle: if I decide I’m going to spend the whole day enjoying her and not plan anything or check anything off the to-do list, instead of enjoying it, I’m having an anxiety attack about all the things that aren’t getting down around the house or all the errands I’m not running that have to be done by the end of the week. On the other hand, if I have a very productive day, completing all that I feel needs to be done, I’m sad, angery and stressed because I didn’t get to spend the time with Kate that I wanted to. It’s this constant tug-of-war of discontentment and anxiety. It reminds me of the verse Paul writes in Romans 7:15:
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do but what I hate, I do.
This verse was always very confusing to me but I get it now. I want to be content with spending time with my baby but I also want to be productive. If I do one and not the other, I’m upset, but it is very hard to do both.
The only real solution that has worked for me with this problem is prayer. It’s still definitely a work in progress but prayer really does work. I firmly believe that God wants you to rely on him in all things, especially parenting. He wants to help me manage my time and learn how to say no to some things and yes to others. He wants me to be able to be there for my daughter as much as possible and grow her and teach her. He also wants me to be a hard worker and to keep my house from chaos. Finding that perfect balance is impossible without the Lord. My only advice for anyone who feels the same is this: continually pray for wisdom. I still haven’t won this battle and feel my heart is being pulled in too many directions. Staying in constant communication with God is the only thing that relieves my stress. I’ve also started realizing that it is ok to say no. Oftentimes family and friends know that I’m off on certain days of the week and they want to get together. I love spending time with others and there are days where it is very welcomed. However, there are also days where Kate and I just need to be home doing nothing. Knowing that that is ok sometimes was something I had to learn pretty fast if I wanted to keep my sanity. I’ve also learned that just because I’m home during the week does not mean I need to run every errand under the sun in one day. Making an effort to get things done the night before or on the weekends as much as possible helps relieve the pressure of a never ending to-do list that makes you miss out on precious moments with baby. I’m not saying you should never leave the house with your baby. I’m just saying limit it, especially us moms that are working and are gone most of the week already. It’s good for your soul and your baby’s soul to rest in the comfort of your home at times rather than filling your entire day up with things that can wait. As I said, I have not mastered this and it is a constant struggle but having the perfect balance of rest and productivity is on my bucket list. Any advice is welcomed and appreciated.